Stories from the sardonic, satirical and downright skulduggerish side of EAB’s literary wits:
November 9, 2009
Gabi Needs a New Mug
Brasilia, Brazil — In the past decade caffeine has become one of the most commonly abused drugs in America; with major corporations such as Starbucks, Inc trapping billions.
That is why it was so hard for Gabi Fresco when she broke her mug. At 9:07 am, she was mid-way on her drive to work, mug in hand as she let the coffee cool with the breeze of the rolled down window. “One of those hoodlum bike-riders cut in front of me and in my shock, my precious mug flew out the window. Damn those eco-friendly hooligans.”
Fresco drinks a cup of coffee periodically throughout the day and when she didn’t have her 10:30 a.m. coffee break the lightheadedness began. As the day slowly progressed Fresco began to suffer violent withdrawals symptoms.
Her knees began to wobble and her hand shook aggressively. “She couldn’t function. I saw her twitching as she spoke to herself. Pacing from one side to the other; everyone was so uncomfortable” explains one of Fresco co-workers, who chose to remain anonymous.
Finally at 11:00 a.m, Fresco couldn’t bare it any longer. She picked up her bag and drove her used Volvo down the block to the nearest dollar store and bought her new mug; white with the words “World’s Best Dad” stamped on the front.
November 6, 2009
Deadbeat mom finds all five monkey children injured
by Felipe Serpa
Last evening, a monkey mother left a garbled call to 911 reported repeated injuries from her five monkey babies. The monkey babies faked going into sleep, and would play and jump on the bed as the mother left the room. The poor monkeys, who had not been educated or imposed limits upon, would fall and get hurt, and every time the mother would simply call the doctor. No form of reprimand was ever issued from the mother.
Finally, the final monkey got hurt and all of the babies passed out on the bed from their concussive injuries. The doctor warned the mother to restrain her children, but she would not listen, and ended up with five broken monkey-babies.
Editor’s note: The monkey community has suffered far too long from lackluster parenting and questionable boundaries. Stronger lines must be drawn for the health and safety of children.
